Motherhood Musings

Dear Maya,
Dawn is my new friend now who gives me company while I pen down my thoughts in my diary.
If you would ask me, how we developed this bonding? Well, all credit goes to you. Dare I complete my sleep at night in your presence? Absolutely not! Waking up to your loud cries at 3 AM has become my daily ritual.
Although it is painstaking at times, I do understand your hunger and uneasiness. You can’t utter words yet, but the intensity of your cries and laughter conveys all your emotions to me. My Maa says I myself am growing as ‘mother’ as I lift you in my arms and feed you while singing lullabies.
It’s been months that I have not met my Maa or held her in my arms.
She says, “Your baby is your priority now.”
I agree with her absolutely.
But Maya, I miss her so much. How carefree my life had been with her!
Ever since you are born, my life has been revolving around you and your needs. Motherhood is such a life changing process.
While I was facing the ups and downs of pregnancy for 9 months, my Maa and your father were at my service 24/7. Now that you are here, I cannot be there for any of them.
While your father has his mother for him, my mother is all alone in a different city!
While I rejoice every moment of my life as your mother, my heart pains for my Maa. There is no way I can reach her physically amidst this lockdown.
Nevertheless, I know she has no complaints from me. She hardly talks about herself during our hour-long phone calls. All she enquires about is us – you and me.
Do you know Maya, I had this dream of becoming a writer since childhood. I dreamt of being independent and famous. But things didn’t go as planned. I got married to your father and nobody cared to ask me about my dreams and wishes. Then you stepped into my life – as a bundle of happiness. All my unfulfilled desires started fading the moment I saw you. Your first cries gave an instant gratification to my soul.
You make me feel alive Maya. In your tiny eyes, I see my world. Your smile paints my life with the brightest hues.
It’s been 10 months now yet my heart jumps with joy every time I look at you.
Yes, life has been hard, but I know it is going to be worth it. I am going to raise you into a woman of dignity. Your dreams will be mine and so will be your tears and happiness.
I won’t let the world cage your thoughts and aspirations. You will be everything that I could not be. You will be the epilogue to my unfinished story…
It’s 7 am by now. The bright hues of the sun seem to kiss my face. It’s a new day, a new beginning!
P.S. I am waiting for the day when we sit together over coffee and I narrate to you about my motherhood musings. I am waiting for my little daughter to become my friend. I am yearning to be heard and understood.
Till then, let us be rainbows in each others’ skies – buoyant and beautiful.
Love,
Meera